This story was bravely written anonymously but well done to the person writing it and having the courage to share it with us. I wish you nothing but love, you have come this far… keep going! Love the gratitude list! You can find a write up about gratitude under the section ‘brighter days’.
There is a lot of stuff spinning in my mind right now, trying to write this “perfect” and tell you about my continuous battle with mental health and how much of a struggle it has been and still is.
I want to be able to just write without the feeling of worry & being judged however this smallest of tasks makes my mind overthink & my anxiety hit the roof, but I made a promise to myself that I can do this, and I plan to keep to that so here goes…
From as early as I can remember I’ve always felt “less than” that I wasn’t good enough. Growing up wasn’t easy & I always wonder if it was this that made me feel this way in later life from the things I experienced and the coping mechanisms I taught myself.
Don’t get me wrong, digging deep inside myself & somewhat forgiving and understanding the people that did me wrong, has helped me massively repair relationships and somewhat get myself to a place where I can love & forgive myself but without constant maintenance of this therapy, I can soon slip into what I know and repeat all the negative cycles all over again…
I can build myself up again and again, start working and start living, rather than just surviving, but it’s only when I force myself to do this using the tools I need – Therapy (talking to those who feel the same, who love me & don’t judge). Working on my defects and understanding my behaviour, accepting, and appreciating the things I do have in life.
Reminding myself that life is beautiful, that I am loved and deserve to be loved.
I guess I’ve talked a lot about how I can help myself – it seems pretty simple when I write it down, but doing and believing is a lot harder for me than most! There are days when I just want the noise in my head to stop, I want to isolate myself away, ignore the phone and hide away in my self-pity, when I feel useless with no energy and feel this sense of gloom & worry, I wonder what’s the point in continuing to live?
I’ve lost so many jobs by not been able to get out of the front door with the fear of being judged & being told I’m not good enough. I’ve hurt and let down so many people and for me this is one of the worse effects of my disease imagine having the most wonderful & beautiful people in your life but you don’t understand why they’re in love with you, so instead you push them away until they can’t take it no more and you’re back to where your mind wants you to be alone, not good enough and living with this fear you can’t explain.
I’ve tried many, many of times over my life to fill these voids with things outside of myself like gambling, relationships, shopping, moving from city to city and even countries! However, the one constant and the most self-destructive coping mechanism has always been the alcohol and cocaine, these mood-altering DRUGS have been a way to self-medicate for as long as I remember. Even myself I know they just give me a false sense of security – they’ve been my best friend and worst enemy all wrapped up in the thousands I’ve wasted.
So how does my mental health affect me? It affects everything in my life, it drives me towards unhealthy habits, it makes me feel worthless and worse of all it pushes and drains me of all the good in my life.
As I get older, I realise my mental health is something that I have to accept, it doesn’t just disappear, however it’s something that if I learn to accept it, arrest it, and continue to maintain seeking help and talking about my experiences it can get easier!
One little trick I learnt to do on a daily basis, especially first thing in the morning when I wake is a gratitude list, this is to help focus on what you do have, rather than what you don’t…
Today I’m grateful for…
Been able to get motivated and seek the help I needed.
For the beautiful and amazing people in my life.
To starting to believe I’m not a bad person, I’m a nice person with an illness.